Sunday, February 08, 2009

I love menopause: the top five reasons


1. Several times a day I get to go on sizzling tropical vacations. For free!

2. My heating bills are way down.

3. By January 2 I had forgotten what my new years resolutions were. In fact, I forget if I even made any.

4. Getting dressed in the morning is like a fun trip to the casino. Do I bet on my skinny pants because I sweated off 7 kilos of water weight in the night? Or will it be one of those mornings when I'm bloated up like the Hindenburg, and only my husband's trousers will fit me?



5. I've no need to spend big bucks at the spa. I get steam baths many times every night.

6. There is exciting new mystery in my marriage. The mystery is, my husband never knows from one minute to the next whether I will be a weeping mess or a screaming shrew. One thing he can depend on, I will not be the boring, joyful, even tempered woman he first met.

O.K., I realize I have now listed six reasons, not five. I should go back into the title of this post and change the number, in the interests of accuracy. Normally I would. But here's the seventh reason I love menopause: I don't give a shit about accuracy or much of anything else. I am a hot, cranky, depressed, brain-deranged harridan. I celebrate this bitch!

(What else can I do?)



So, my lovely internet friends, leave a comment. I dare you.

263 comments:

1 – 200 of 263   Newer›   Newest»
Dumdad said...

I shall be passing this post on to The Frog Queen!

citizen of the world said...

My sincere hope is that having skippped any hint of PMS, I will also get a break on menopause? I'm going to hold onto that fantasy, anyway.

Hang in there!

Big Brother said...

As a husband who has been there with my sweety, I commiserate, but you are right, it sure makes life interesting.

Ian Lidster said...

Well, I happen to love this bitch regardless. I write as a 'veteran' of the menopause wars and, masochist that I am, I have in my lifetime been married to two menopausal women, so I am an old hand -- as an observer at least. "Why is it so effing ocld n bed? Oh, Wendy has kicked the duvet off again."

It's an interesting time to be certain. And, while men have their hormonal shit at this time of life -- though it's more of an assault on pride than anything else -- women have my every sympathy.

"I'm bloody freezing, please roll up your window."

Beautifully done, my dear friend. And I think the first five years are the hardest.

Voyager said...

Dumdad, I don't know how old FQ is, and whether she is close to this magical, special time of life. But consider yourself warned!

Citizen, I hate to burst your bubble, (actually my evil menopausal twin loves to), but I never had PMS either.

BB, Interesting?!! INTERESTING!? I bet if you asked my sweetie, he would use a different adjective. Much different. And unprintable.

Ian, There must be a special place in heaven for men who have supported two women through menopause.

V.

Jazz said...

I wrote about this same thing recently. I feel your pain. And you psychotic bitchery...

jmb said...

What about the waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep and waiting for the alarm to go off so you can go to work and feel like a zombie all day?

Fortunately time fixes it. Hopefully a short time in your case.

Voyager said...

Jazz, Sister, I wish you lived closer so we could spend an evening with a bottle of wine and share our meno-stories. At a table outside in the snow.

JMB, I cling to the thought that this too will pass.

V.

Carver said...

Too funny. I enjoyed this. I'll admit one of the things I love about having a radical hysterectomy at age 30 is I haven't had to experience menopause.

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OMG! I LOVE this post! I just woke up--it's 5 AM here in California--from yet ANOTHER insane insane insane menopause dream!!! One that made me glad to have my regular LIFE back...

And of course I was drenched with SWEAT and had to pee! Luckily, I was able to make it to the toilet without having it all leak down my leg.

(This is another beauty of menopause--*sudden* urges to urinate will come and there are times I wet my pants!)

But back to the night sweats, which often come with this heart stopping dreams. I wake up drenched, then I am freezing from all the sweat!

I haven't known the actual temperature for about two years!

TRULY, this menopause thing is WAY better than the debilitating cramping periods I had for FORTY FOUR years!

I had my last period two years ago when I was 55! I was hugely pissed, as in addition to those many years of blood tsunamis and pain--I was infertile and had to adopt!

But here's another reason I like menopause: GRAY HAIR. That's right! I have highlighted my hair forever and love it. I am a natural light brown and my hair used to be limp as overcooked spaghetti. But NOW--those perky gray hairs have made my lifelong straight locks curly and bouncy!

Go figure.

But==the downside is my 16 year old daughter went to live with her dad last year. She couldn't deal with my wild moods....

THanks so much for this blog. It helps me know that I am not CRAZY!

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